Why does my happiness only last for a little bit?
I started off this note with that question, beause I think it is a question many of us often ask ourselves. I know there have been pleanty of times that I have been very aware that my happiness could leave me at any minute. It's miserable and scary! You get this urge to be preparing all sorts of Plan B's and Plan C's so if what is making you happy now dissapears, you will have something new to run to. And you don't want to live that way, but sometimes it seems impossible not to. You feel like you have to figure everything out in order not to be miserable. And then you get stressed because you realize that you just cannot figure it out!
Why? Why do we feel this way? Why does happiness seem only like a dream?
It's because we turn to all the wrong things for our happiness. Now I know the church says don't do drugs, don't smoke, don't drink, don't sleep around. All of this is true, but why? Why will we be happier if we don't do these things?
And then you get to someone like me. I dont smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't sleep around. So why do I still feel just as sad as everyone else who does these things? It leads me to believe that maybe it has nothing to do with the do's and don'ts. I mean I watch pretty "good" people stay pretty sad. I even began to question, if God really loves us, then why do all of these "good" people feel so miserable inside too? Why do I feel so miserable inside?
Once again, same answer. Because we are looking to the wrong things for our happiness. Now maybe you do find your joy in sleeping around. Or maybe your like me. I find joy when I am doing "ministry". I find joy when I am with people I care about. I find joy when people think highly of me. I find joy when I am getting attention from guys. This list goes on.
I don't know about you, but as my list goes on it's like I loose any feeling of living for something. It's like I have to start making goals for myself. If I have goals, then I have a reason to keep going when things seem hard. I have a reason to keep going even if I am not happy.
Yet I always would feel like life was not meant to be lived like this. THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING MORE!
This is an inner battle I faught for years. I kept thinking, well maybe if I have a quiet time every day. Maybe if I fast. Maybe if I do good things. Well that didn't work for me. So I thought, maybe if I have this many friends. Maybe if I can get this many guys to like me. Maybe if I look pretty. Still, that left me feeling empty inside too. It was like EVERYTHING just made me feel empty, good or bad. I would feel really good for a week maybe even longer, then before I knew it. BOOM! There I was miserable again. I felt meaningless, pathetic, ugly, unloved, and really just empty. All my striving had got me no whre, so then I felt like there was nothing worth living for. Nothing I seemed to do made me feel better. I couldn't figure it out.
But don't lose hope. I finally found out what I thought was impossible really wasn't. Everything I was striving for were all things that were never meant to satisfiy me. Only God can satisfiy me. And yes, I had heard that before. I heard it every time I would go to something else for my identity. It just sounded lame and not true at all that God would satisfiy me. But guys, I was wrong for not believing it. I had to go through quiet a lot to learn that though. I almost lost my family, friends, dreams, and even any hopes of having a love life. Or at least that is how I felt. I slowly watched everything that was most important to me slip out of my hands. Every time that would happen I would be pushed a little closer to God. It was just really scary saying, "God you can have it all. I will give you everything so that I may live totally for you." Nothing about that sounded enjoyable. And that is why God had to show me for Himself that it was a lot more enjoyable that what I expected it would be.
You see, God took everything that was important away from me and because of that, I am finally at a spot whre I can say it was worth it. Giving everything to God alwasy ends up being worth it actually. All the other things you try to find satisfaction in are not perfect. They will only last for a little bit. And though a lot of it is good, it cannot be what you live for. You cannot live for yourself, for your dreams, for your friends. You HAVE to live for God. And let me tell you. Once I finally decided to do that, everything I believed woudn't happen did. Ever since then, I have had a joy and a peace that I know will never go away. Now of course I sometimes still experience sadness, but even in my sadness, I still feel joy. And the best part is, I'm not afraid of my joy leaving me. That is because I am living for the only thing worth living for. I am living for God.
So if God is asking you to give somenting up, just do it. You won't regret it. In fact, you will regret not giving it up. I am pursuaded of that. Give God a chance to fill you and give you joy. The more you try to leave it up to everything else, the more you are going to left feeling empty. You do this by just falling in love with God. Tell Him everything. Learn about Him. Learn how He feels about you, because let me tell you, He loves you a lot. No matter what you have done, He still just really loves you and wants you to feel joy. You can't change that. Gosh, I just hope that this is something one day everyone will get, because, once you realize this, and apply it, you will never be the same.
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